Alone with Demons

I am reflecting on the satisfaction and disappointment of this weekend. Leaving work on Friday, my plan was to head-up to Gorham for the night for an early start on 19-Mile trail to hit Carter Dome, then over to South Carter and Middle Carter and back to 19-Mile. Doing this solo meant no car spotting, but only an extra couple of miles to back track.

I had opted not to camp this weekend, so in Gorham I looked for an inexpensive room. I went to the ‘Hiker’s Paradise’ and found that they had a ‘hostel’ for $17. The price seemed right, but it turned out to be a bit of a dump. To make it better and worse, I was the only person there for the night. I sat in the dumpy kitchen eating my take-out pizza and drinking red wine from the bottle. Soon it was time to go to bed – or rather get on the Kleenex-thin mattress with the wooden board springs. Suddenly my demons came to play and my mind got dark and shifty. I was alone in a dingy place where I couldn’t lock the door. I went to the kitchen in search of weapon. I took out a long knife and looked it over, but it wasn’t right for the job. I picked-up a long, plastic serving spoon and felt better. It was my piece of mind next to the bunk. Silliness!

Saturday morning I started up 19-Mile trail with Godsmack music in my head motivating me forward. 19-Mile was fresh and pretty, and Carter Dome trail was snuggly until I reached the ice. Carter-Moriah trail was still all snow, but I kept the post-holing to a minimum by balancing on the firm section in the middle of the path. On Carter Dome, I ran into a young guy who was soaked up to his knees. He said he was from Maryland and couldn’t believe that there was still snow in the Whites!

On to South Carter. Just after passing Zeta Pass, the sky got dark and it started to sprinkle. The woods got denser and my mental demons came out again. Fear tightened my chest and pushed me forward more quickly. I started looking for the bear or cat I knew I was going to run into. On top of South Carter, the sunshine and beautiful views edged out my darkness. South to Middle Carter was worse as post-holing slowed me down and I was clearly the only person who had been on the trail in days. On Middle I decided to succumb to my fears and get back to the road as quickly as possible. I sure as h*&% didn’t want to head back toward Zeta Pass. I headed for the Imp trail and was relieved to run into a couple of hikers on North Carter trail. Once down, I walked back along the road to the 19-Mile parking lot with both relief for being out of the woods and shame for opting to walk along a road rather staying in the beauty of nature.

I drove to Bartlett and found an inexpensive, clean hotel room for the night. After washing up, I went to the pub next door and had a great conversation with a woman whose grandparents had taken care of the train depot in Crawford Notch in the late 1800’s. That night I had peace and a good night’s sleep.

Sunday, I drove to the Crawford Depot and headed up the Avalon trail. The views from the summit of Tom were breathtaking and I didn’t want to leave. The Willey Range trail toward Field was more sparsely wooded and the sun came through. On top of Field two grey jays and I had lunch. Suddenly my body was tired, I was feeling alone and my visions of bears, cats, yeti (damn it Artex and Pennsy!), and the clown from Stephen King’s IT clouded my head. I really didn’t want to venture over to Willey just to have my throat ripped out by some hungry animal. It would be over quickly and the pain would be brief I assured myself. I bolted over to Willey in the snow and slush, following bloody moose tracks, completely missing the summit and heading down the other side. I quickly caught the oversight, checked the map and turned around. Then it was like heading for the barn!

I am happy and satisfied with the 24-mile, 6 peak weekend, but dismayed that I let my fear dampen the joy of being in the best place I know, outdoors.

I remember reading about the ancient greeks(or somebody like that) being afraid of someone looking at you from behind trees and being in different places looking at you when you were alone. They said it was the god Pan looking at you, you could never quite get a fix on him, but you were sure you were being stared at, giving you an uneasy feeling. Hence the word Panic. I got a kick out of that story when I heard it, I probably felt that feeling a few times when I was first hiking and miles out from a road alone and wondering if I was on the right trail at dusk.

Great job!

Abster -
That is an excellent report...I shared a lot of those feelings when I have soloed...do it enough and you get over it I guess...I know I make a lot of noise when I hike alone...congrats on all the peaks - you must be almost done, right!?

Hey Hanna -- first off congrats on getting a whole lot of hiking done this weekend. I can definitely identify with your story... having done a lot of solos when I first started hiking, there are just some times when I've gotten completely creeped out along the way. Usually, I start singing loudly when that happens... I figure that's enough to scare off just about anything.

Fortunately, they don't all turn out like that.

- Ivy

Great report. At Hiker's paradise you could have protected yourself better with a mop and a bottle of Mr Clean.

Great report and congrats on getting past that fear. In the beginning it can be unnerving for some.
But with me I just have to remind myself that sometimes I wish that I was the creature living in the woods staring at the "intruders"

I'll have to recommend the Cranmore Mtn Inn "hostel" in North Conway for the next time you're up there - $25/night, 3 separate bunk rooms in their hostel area, two full bathrooms, a nice common area with tv, very friendly owners, delicious breakfast included, and a hot tub!!

Abster, I did your hike alone at easter but in reverse and included Mt. Height. I came upon humungous moose prints. They were 18 inches across and 24 inches long. Well not quite. You can bet that heightened my awareness.

I hitch-hiked from the 19 mile TH to my car at the Imp Th. 3rd car picked me up.

I also stayed at the hostel. What a dump! Did you open that fridge? Hoo boy! I would just as soon have slept in my car. That Bruno guy is pretty funny though. I have also stayed in a room at HP and it was fine.

My wife says she would never hike solo because she's afraid of the 2 legged variety of animal that roams the woods...

Hey Hanna,

Just when you think you know what your reactions are to Nature and being out there, things get shifted a little and you find yourself yet again, learning something new...pretty cool stuff. That sure doesn't happen sitting at home watching TV! Way to go on all those peaks solo! See you soon

jen

Thank you all for your comments! Jen is right - this stuff doesn't happen watching t.v. at home - or maybe that is where my demons get their form!

I like the Pan story Hikerfast, that is exactly what it felt like.

I hope this fear fades the more you hike because I am doing a solo Pemi Loop on Memorial Day Weekend. But I figure that more people will be out once the days warm-up.

Fear or no fear - gotta live life to the fullest

Cheers,

Hanna

PS: Mike - I think I am into the 30's (4k's) now!

Funny,

I didn't find Hiker's paradise to be too bad. Then again, I was there with a friend. Didn't the owner point your towards the local pub? He did point me... I sat in the "dingy" kitchen drinking ADK lager, wondering if anyone had ever brought such fine suds over the river. For $17, I thought it was paradise...

Solo demons are hard to deal with. I end up thinking about my entire life in detail while out there for multi-days. Kind of neat looking back on yourself, your life. Nice to have the quiet, and to see people again!

-percious

Huh, what? Must be a chick thing (sorry Saplatt...). I feel so peaceful alone deep in the woods I often lay down amongst the ferns and take long "naps," only to be happily awakened by a critter, or nightfall...

I also went through many nights of "solo demons" when I first started hiking. My demons, however, didn't show themselves until it was dark out and I was tucked in my sleeping bag alone and afraid. I took up reading a book (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) out loud to myself. The fear has never completely gone away but it will help you to know that it does subside as you solo more often.

Congratulations on all your peaks and I think it is excellent that you are taking on the "solo demons" and I just KNOW you will conquer them.

Hey Toe Cozy . . . what TV ???

sli74

If we all had the same experience in the woods it would be pretty boring. Although it is nice to identify with others who have been in the same situation.

Thanks for the support Gris. Yours must be a 'lawyer' thing - most of your senses don't work...or maybe it is just all the beer

most of your senses don't work...

Wow, treat ya like one of the guys (tongue in cheek) and this is what i get! Seriously tho, ya missed the hidden message in my post. i DO do get creeped out sometimes when in the dark alone (re-read it)...

Oooh...trail demons and yucky lodgings...been there...worst case of demons occurred on a solo backpack of the Southern 100 mi section of the LT, I was CONVINCED that I was going to be ripped to shreds by a black bear that I had seen earlier in the day...my mind drifting to scenes from the really bad 80's horror flick "Prophecy" as I lay in my tent with eyes wide open staring into the darkness (as my super watchdog lay peacefully sleeping at my feet!)....and worse hiker lodgings?? Definately the dingy Third World village of Besishahar, Nepal were I spent the night suffering alone from dysentary in a terrible hole in the floor bathroom while an unidentified lizard clung to a wall staring at me all night while I was convinced that death was just moments away...thanks to yet another Hindu "Festival" that had closed the banks and bus lines and left me stranded.
Hopefully this all puts your weekend into perspective!!!
Good work on your peaks...and remember, even a crappy weekend in the woods beats a week at work!

Una Dogger - Wow! Nepal sounds like a great time I didn't really have a bad weekend, I was just bummed that those nasty thoughts came into my head!

Okay Gris, I read the intent wrong, but if you were near I still would have pinched you

Hey Abster,

Thanks for the post.
I’ve done a fair amount of solo hiking and backpacking and usually don't get the creeps, but when I’ve camped, I usually camped on tent platforms or places where other people were around. The first time I tried to “step it up to the next level” and I camped off the beaten path, I was awakened by a moose literally sanding over my tent snorting in a tone that said “Roll over, you’re in my spot.” My heart was POUNDING! I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared. Well, he/she… I wasn’t about to poke my head out and check... eventually moved on, but it was much longer before I could get back to sleep.

Last weekend, heading solo to the overlook on Passaconaway, there were some of the biggest moose tracks I have ever seen. Now that’s a narrow dead end trail, and all I could think was “I hope I don’t meet up with whoever made these tracks.” Did I turn back? No. I pulled out my camera so I could get a close-up picture of him if our paths met. Small victory, I suppose.

The truth is, I done a lot of solo hiking since, but not a lot of solo backwoods camping. This summer I want to do some of the more remote peaks, but I’m afraid I’ll have visions of Bullwinkle dancing through my head all night.
I suppose, when the time comes, I’ll see if anyone wants to come along, but that’s not always possible.

I know that solo demons are for the most part, Fig Newtons of our imagination, but are there things we can do to overcome them?

Is there a site selection chapter in the backwoods bible that details where not to pitch a tent?

Neil said:

My wife says she would never hike solo because she's afraid of the 2 legged variety of animal that roams the woods...

Click to expand...

Neil, your wife has a point....

Abster, while I've solo hiked in the Monadnocks many times, the first solo hike I was brave enough to do in the Whites was yesterday. And it was only 1 peak, not the 6 you accomplished. My hat is off to you! Great accomplishment! I anticipated feeling weirded out, but as the day went on and I came to realize that NO ONE else was on the trail or on the summit, I actually really enjoyed the feeling of having the whole mountain to myself (with the exception of the snake, squirrel, and birds I saw and whatever other wildlife I didn't see). I'm less worried about encountering wildlife on the trail than I am about encountering dangerous people. If you ever want a hiking partner, pm me.

I will admit being irrationally scared when camping a couple of times. Never hiking that I can remember but like I said. A couple of times camping solo. I don't know how someone gets over it. I expect if I did a solo again it could happen again but I guess eventually you realize that you made it through the last one(s) and it gets easier. Had one that I could't possibly tell you in a forum like this but is a good camp story. Needs visual aids.

If I am successful in not getting scared every for many solo trips I'll let you know. I expect that there will still be times that I will get spooked though. Hopefully I can overcome it like I have so far.

Keith

Thanks Roxi. I appreciate the offer!