"How to Not Climb Carrigan" or "A Glorious Fiasco"

[Amantio]

"How to Not Climb Carrigain" or "A Glorious Fiasco"

“How Not to Climb Carrigain” or “A Glorious Fiasco”

A Comedy in Three Acts

Dramatis Personae:

AMANTIO, an amateur climber, and
DIANA, his wife, also a climber.
BOOTS BOLTON, a chum from college days, and
DR. JIMMY, her husband and a dental surgeon.
BABA and NANNIE, Amantio’s parents.
EKATERINA and ELIZABETTA, daughters of Amantio and Diana.
Chambermaid, Innkeeper, Hostess, etc.

Act I Scene I

Jefferson Notch Road
Friday Afternoon

BABA: Oh, Hun. Look how pretty!

NANNIE: Yeah, lots yellow. There’s not much red. They need more red.

BABA: It’s nice anyway.
NANNIE: I’ve always wanted to come up to Vermont for the foilage [sic] season.

AMANTIO: So this is the Jefferson Notch Road. It’ll bring you to the Jefferson Notch and highest trailhead in the Whites at 3,000 feet in elevation. Nice trail too, the Caps Ridge. Kinda steep. Great views once you’re above the tree line. Well, here we are. Hmmm: the parking lot is empty. I guess nobody’s hiking on a Friday afternoon. Nice weather, too. Tomorrow this lot will be mobbed if the weather is good.

BABA: Of course it’s empty, were in the middle of nowhere. You actually drive all the way up her to hike?

AMANTIO: Almost every other weekend if the weather is good.

NANNIE: Is this where you bring the kids tomorrow?

AMANTIO: No, not here. We’re going down 302 to Mt. Carrigan. You two will take the Subaru to the Cog Railway station, just down the road from where we turned onto this dirt road. Meanwhile, the rest of us will take two cars about 12 miles to our trail on Sawyer River Road. Then it’s a 10 mile hike up and down Carrigain. Finally we’ll meet you back at the motel at the end of the day, wash up, and go out to celebrate the completion of my New Hampshire 48.

BABA: Sounds exhausting. Just wake me up for the drinks.


Act I Scene II

Above the Notch Motel
Later that Evening

NANNIE: That pizza wasn’t bad. They could have cooked it more. Next time we can go to a real pizzeria.

AMANTIO: Ma, that was Twin Mountain. There is no real pizzeria. In Twin Mountain you’re lucky to find hot food at 8 o’clock at night.

NANNIE: But there was nobody in the Restaurant.

BABA: Hey, at least the waitress was cute.

AMANTIO: Ma, you don’t get it. There’s nobody living up here. This isn’t Queens. There are more bears than people up here.

BABA: Nice meat on her bones. Ya know, healthy.

AMANTIO: Oh, good. Boots and Jimmy are here. They left a note. I’ll go down to see them. OK, Good night folks.

BABA: She had a nice rear. Really nice. A little chunky. OK. Good night. See you in the morning.


Act I Scene III

Room 12, Above the Notch Motel

Amantio and Boots are sitting sipping beers.

BOOTS: So when are Di and the girls getting in?

AMANTIO: Catherine’s bus from New York didn’t get in to South Station until 7:30. Lizzie and Di picked her up and are on their way. I’d say we won’t see them until 10 at the earliest. Maybe another 20 minutes. I am so looking forward to tomorrow! I’m so glad you guys could make it.

BOOTS: Oh, Jimmy and I are pumped and primed. We’ve done Pinkham Notch with the kids, you know. We loved it.

AMANTIO: So you climbed Mt. Washington?

BOOTS: No, not to the top. We got up above the tree line, though.

AMANTIO: Up the Tuckerman Ravine Trail?

BOOTS: No…I can’t remember the name of the trail, but it wasn’t Tuckerman.

AMANTIO: Boott Spur?

BOOTS: Maybe. That sounds familiar.

AMANTIO: Glen Boulder?

BOOTS: That sounds familiar, too.

AMANTIO: Good. Those are tough trails. How long ago?

BOOTS: I don’t know. Max was 12. Maybe 10 years ago.

Enter Jimmy

AMANTIO: Still taking cigarette breaks, Doc?

JIMMY: Yeah, you know. Old habits die hard.

AMANTIO: That ought to help tomorrow.

JIMMY: Don’t worry about me. I’ll be alright.
AMANTIO: So how’s the dentistry biz these days?
JIMMY: Crazy at times. When you get emergencies on top of the usual flow, it can get somewhat hectic. I even had to cancel my own doctor visit this week because of the schedule.
AMANTIO: Really? What was up?
JIMMY: Oh, nothing big. I just have to get a plantar wart removed.

Enter Diana, followed by Ekaterina and Elizabetta:

AMANTIO: Howdy dear. What’s wrong?

DIANA: The car. We were 100 yards from the motel. Power steering just went stiff. Brake lights and dashboard lights went on. Something is wrong. Really wrong.
AMANTIO: There can’t be anything wrong with that car. It’s a Subaru and it’s only got 108,000 miles on it.

JIMMY: It’s the alternator or the condenser. Maybe the Finnegan Pin.

BOOTS: Call Triple A. They’ll tow. Who’s got Triple A?

AMANTIO: OK. Just relax for a minute. Get the stuff in, then try it again in 10 minutes and let’s see what happens.

EKAT: Hi Dad. Hi Dr. K. Hi Mrs. K. Gee, where’s Nannie and Baba?

AMANTIO: In bed. You’ll see them in the morning. God, it’s good to see you. How is life in New York City and the CUNY program? Want a beer?

ELIZ: Sure.
EKAT: Things are good. The academics are hard at CUNY, but I’m holding my own.

AMANTIO: Ok let’s get out and start the car up again.

DIANA: (starts the car) No go. Everything is still kerplooie. Thank God we were almost here. We just drove through seven miles of nothing and before that there was Twin Mountain, and before that there was another 10 miles of nothing. No cell service – Nothing.

BOOTS: No kidding. This is remote!

DIANA: You know what? I’ll call Sir Peter of Subaru. He’s living with my sister. He’s the service manager of a Subaru dealership. If anyone can help us, it’s him. He won’t mind a call at 11 p.m.

Hi Sis. It’s Di. Car trouble in New Hampshire. Is Pete around? Pete … Lights, steering.

Confusion. Over talk.

DIANA: He says it’s the serpentine belt. You need to talk to him.

AMANTIO: OK. ….OK… Alright I’ll call you at 8 in the morning and we’ll pop the hood and take a look…. I got it … Nothing to do tonight….. OK…. Right…. If the belt slipped, we may be able to just put it on. Otherwise, we need parts anyway, and probably a mechanic.

Hangs up

AMANTIO: Well gang, our plans for tomorrow may have to change.

 

[Amantio]

Act II

Act II Scene I

Above the Notch Motel
Saturday morning 8:00 a.m.


Amantio, Diana, and Jimmy surround the Subaru
Baba enters
BABA: Good morning all. Hi, Doc. When are we going?

AMANTIO: There’s been a little SANFU Dad. The Subaru pooped the bed on the way in last night. We’re trying to sort things out right now. If we need service, it could be a problem. There seems to be no garage in Bretton Woods. In fact, if the Yellow Pages are to be trusted, the closest repair shop is in Twin Mountain, called “Bumper to Bumper”. The closest Subaru Dealership seems to be in Vermont. This could be a long day.

Enter Nannie, Ekaterina, Elizabetta, Boots and Chambermaid

NANNIE: Where is the coffee? How about some pumpkin bread?
JIMMY: Let’s pop the hood. What do we have?
AMANTIO: A very loose belt.

EKAT: Dad, we have problem.

AMANTIO: I know we have a problem. It’s the serpentine belt. You’d think they wouldn’t control so many functions off one belt. Who designs there things?

EKAT: No, Dad, look at these boots.
AMANTIO: Those boots don’t seem to match.
EKAT: Brilliant, Dad. They don’t. But worse, they’re both left boots.

ELIZ: Try the left boot on the right foot.

DIANA: Where can we get boots around here?

CHAMBERMAID: Lahout’s down the road has boots. They’ll be open by 10.

BABA: Look at the colors. Bee You Tee Full.
JIMMY: Got a Philips screwdriver?
DIANA: I’ll call Peter.

BOOTS: Let’s take a picture by the motel sign.

CHAMBERMAID: I’ll take it.

DIANA: Whose got a Triple A card?

ELIZ: Everybody squeeze in. Smile.

EKAT: Look what Nannie found.

AMANTIO: Sneakers?

EKAT: And they fit perfectly.

NANNIE: I bought those in Rome in 1995! From a guy on the street. And we bought some belts and a tie from him, too!

BABA: I think I got the guy down to 20,000 lire on the shoes.

ELIZ: They’re L.A. Gear.

BOOTS: I haven’t seen those in years!

AMANTIO: OMG you’re going to try to climb in those things? How’s the grip?

EKAT: They seem fine. Fit like a glove. Nannie, you and I have the same feet. Same bunions and everything!

NANNIE: They’re very nice sneakers. I bought them in Rome.

INNKEEPER: Call Jay at Bumper to Bumper. He’s my friend. Only garage around.

BABA: What are we doing?

AMANTIO: Good question. Unless we put off your trip to the cog railway until tomorrow, Carrigan is out for today.

NANNIE: I want to go to Clog Railway today.

DIANA: Your parents can’t sit around all day doing nothing. And I asked around. There is no car service or taxi for miles. We are deep in the woods. We’ll have to get them to the station ourselves.

AMANTIO: OK. So let’s figure this out. We can’t possibly drop them at the Clog -I mean Cog- Railway and then scoot down to Carrigain. It’s way too long a drive down there, and a long hike, to boot. They’ll be waiting forever at the end of the day. We could drop them off and head up the Ammonoosuc Ravine Trail, but that will also take a fair bit of time.

How about we drop my parents off at the station off, head down the Jefferson Notch Road to Jefferson Notch and the trail head parking, and take the Caps Ridge Trail as far as we can up Mount Jefferson. The views are great. The day is shaping up to be pretty damn good. We may even make it to the top and get back to them at the station without too much of a wait for them at the back end.

All: Whatever you say, we’re up for anything.

INNKEEPER: Leave the keys in the Subaru. Jay will pick it up and figure it out.

DIANA: OK. Sounds good to me.

AMANTIO: OK, Let’s go people. We have a mountain to climb.


Act II Scene II

Marshfield Station
Later that Morning

AMANTIO: I’m just dropping my parents off. Can I just pull up to the station?

CODGER: Pull over right they-ah. They can walk up to the station.

AMANTIO: They are 80 years old.

NANNIE: 79!

CODGER: And I’m 86. Just pull ovah they-ah.

BABA: We’re OK. We can walk. Don’t worry

AMANTIO: OK Pop. Remember. Take the later train, at 11. When you get back down to the station, hang out. Don’t even start to look for us before 3. We’ll probably be later.

BABA: We’ll be OK. C’mon, Eda.

NANNIE: Look at the pretty fox! Have you ever seen such a fox? Not like the scrawny ones in Massachusetts.

 

[Amantio]

Act III and Epilogue

Act III Scene I
On the Caps Ridge Trail

DIANA: I’m so sorry you’re not going to get to do Carrigain today. I know you were looking forward to finishing today with the kids and our friends here.

AMANTIO: Don’t sweat it. This is going to be great! Carrigain will wait for me. I just hope Boots and Jimmy don’t die on us, and Catherine makes it up in her antique Italian L.A. Gear sneakers without slipping down the side of the mountain.

ELIZ: Hey and remember, Mom and Dad, we’re both uninsured!

AMANTIO: Don’t remind me.

OK, this trail’s going to be swampy for a bit, with bog bridges and some mud probably. Watch your footing. Then we’ll climb a bit until we get to some big boulders with kettle holes in ’em made by the glacier.

ELIZ: Cool!

AMANTIO: When you kids get there, or to a trail junction for the “Link” hold up and wait for the group to get together. Remember, kids, you’re in your 20s. We’re in our 50s. You’ll be moving a bit faster than us.

EKAT: OK, Dad.

JIMMY: Look at that … these downed logs are worth a fortune. This one must be worth 12K. Think we can get it into the car?


Act III Scene II
The Boulders

AMANTIO: Nice views, eh?

ELIZ: Let me get a shot of the two of you!

DIANA: Hope the clouds break. I can see some blue peeking through.

AMANTIO: How’s everyone doing?

BOOTS: My feet could use some attention. These boots are actually men’s 7 ½.

AMANTIO: Yikes!

DIANA: OK. Get them off and let’s put some Leukotape on you.

JIMMY: Cough.

AMANTIO: You OK, Doc?

JIMMY: I’m fine.

AMANTIO: OK, gang. If you look up there, you’ll see the first “Cap” There are three of them. There is some scrambling involved in this climb, especially on those Caps. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t sweat it. Remember, we can turn around at any time. Everybody OK?

All: We’re good.

AMANTIO: Lets go. Girls don’t get too far ahead of us. Keep contact with the group.

Girls: OK.


Act III Scene III

The Second Cap

BOOTS: We have get up that?

AMANTIO: Yeah, that first cap was interesting, but this one looks much tougher. Let’s just watch this group ahead go up to see how they handle it.

DIANA: You did this alone the first time? I don’t even want to think about it.

AMANTIO: Yeah, but it was like today. Plenty of people on the trail so I never felt really alone.
Ok, see that guy creeping his way across that big slab? I don’t think that is a good idea. Usually if you take your time and look around you, though, you’ll see a better more secure way to get up.

JIMMY: Wow, look back!

AMANTIO: Yeah, pretty nice, eh?

JIMMY: You can almost see back to the parking lot!

DIANA: The girls are already way up there. Tell them to hold up.


Act III Scene IV
Above the Third Cap

BOOTS: OK. That’s it for me. I’m parking my butt here and having my sandwich.

AMANTIO: OK, this is a perfectly fine turnaround point.

BOOTS: No, no. You guys go on. I’m fine. The sun is out, the breeze is nice. This rock is almost comfortable. And if this rock gets annoying, there are plenty more to choose from.

JIMMY: You going to be alright here, Dear?

BOOTS: Perfectly fine. You all go ahead. I can use the rest.

AMANTIO: OK, but it may be an hour if we get to the top and come back down.

BOOTS: That’s fine. I’ll have plenty of company. Mostly Boy Scouts. It’s quite a parade up here.

AMANTIO: OK gang. Here we go. That sign up ahead is Cornice. The summit is point five from there. A half mile.

ELIZ: Up there?

AMANTIO: No. I think that’s just an outcropping. The summit is higher, so there is a bit more to go. Layer up, kids. Put on your rain jacket. The wind is really going to blow up ahead.

DIANA: Somebody just told me it was 50 mph up there!

EKAT: Jeesh.

AMANTIO: Look over at Mount Washington. Fully in the clear! My parents are certainly getting the full experience today! I’m glad I told them to take winter coats and hats!

OK, we’ll get to the Cornice. We’ll set a firm turnaround time and then push for the summit if we’re all OK. Girls, gloves on if you need ’em. It’s going to get cold in the wind.
Andiamo tutti!


Act III Scene V
Summit

Elizabetta and Ekaterina stand at the top. Amantio and Diana approach.

ELIZ: Wooo, hooo, hooo, hooo, hoooo!!

EKAT: Wooh! Wooh! Wooh!

AMANTIO: Nice! This has got to be 40 miles per hour anyway! Girls, there is the “button”. Get a pic with me on the rock. Then get up there yourself. Don’t get blown over by the wind!

DIANA: Great shot! Here comes Jimmy. Get a shot of him coming up the summit.

JIMMY: (coughing) I’m OK. I’m alright. Pretty good wind. Magnificent views.

AMANTIO: Look at the colors below! Wow. OK. Get over the top to the lee side and the wind should disappear. We can have a snack and rest for a bit, then get back and rescue Boots. Oh, look! See the prominent mountain out there! That’s Carrigain. It looks absolutely beautiful. Clear as a bell.

DIANA: Disappointed?

AMANTIO: No. Not in the least. This is absolutely gorgeous! This has been the best day!

Scene VI
Below the Kettle Holes

BOOTS: They’re all a bunch of Bolsheviks. Real Fascists. They’re ruining the country.

AMANTIO: I know what you’re talking about, Boots!

DIANA: How’s everyone doing? How are the feet?

ELIZ: Super, Dad.

EKAT: L.A. Gear. All the way from Rome. Fifteen years old, and still intact!

JIMMY: These boots are great! Had ’em since I was in my 20’s. They weigh a ton, but they are indestructible.

BOOTS: Maybe I should have taken my toe ring off.


Act III Scene VII
Marshfield Station

DIANA: There they are.

AMANTIO: Hi Mom. Hi Pop. You had a heck of a day, huh?

NANNIE: It was something! What wind. But we really lucked out. The engineer….

BABA: The brakeman.

NANNIE: The brakeman said that they only get maybe two clear days a week. And we got one of them. It was beautiful. But ooooch… the wind.

BABA: Boy, it would blow you over.

AMANTIO: What was the wind speed?

BABA: Who knows… strong!

NANNIE: And we had a nice lunch. Chowder. And we split a hot dog. And Baba had chili.

AMANTIO: Brave man.

BABA: Oofa! And I saw something up there I never saw before in my life!

DIANA: What was that, Dad?

BABA: A guy eating French fries with mayonnaise!!

NANNIE: Yeah! It was really something! Must be a Midwestern thing.



Epilogue
A Dim Sum Restaurant
In Boston’s Chinatown Section
Sunday Afternoon

HOSTESS: You share table?

EKAT: Sure.

HOSTESS: This way.

AMANTIO: Look, Mom and Dad, this is Dim Sum. Small dishes of dumplings and stuff. You keep ordering until you’ve had enough.

NANNIE: Where’s the Beef Lo Mein?

AMANTIO: They don’t have Beef Lo Mein here, Mom. We’re not in Plymouth.

NANNIE: How am I supposed to eat?

AMANTIO: Nobody looks like they’re starving here, Mom. Relax. Catherine and I will order.

NANNIE: Do they have spareribs???

AMANTIO: Which bus will you take, Honey?

EKAT: The four o’clock probably. Disappointed you couldn’t finish this weekend?

AMANTIO: Not at all. This thing has taken almost two years. A few more weeks won’t matter. That picture your Mom made for me with the names and elevations of the mountains nearly brought me to tears. I’m just glad she didn’t include the dates of the climbs, or Carrigain would have been screwed up. Plus it would have been bad Karma.

EKAT: It was almost bad Karma anyway.

NANNIE Egg Rolls? Do they have egg rolls?

AMANTIO: Mom, I’ll get you take out at home.

No way, Catherine. As long as the car gets fixed tomorrow and your mother and sister make it back home, all will be well. It is pretty funny, though, the two of them stuck at the motel tonight with no car and a dish system that gets four channels, no internet, and spotty cell phone service. At least they can walk to Fabyans if they are ambitious.

EKAT: You think they’ll walk?

AMANTIO: They climbed Mt. Jefferson yesterday. I think they can walk a half a mile of flat road to get out of that motel room for an hour.

NANNIE: Do they have silverware here? I can’t eat with these sticks!

AMANTIO: Relax, Ma.

NANNIE: The tea’s kind of light.

AMANTIO: It’s green tea, Ma. It’s good for you.

BABA: We’re nearly 80. We don’t need “good for you”. These guys have darker tea. Ah, Miss, could you bring us some darker tea?

AMANTIO: Well Honey, I’m just so happy you and your sister and your Mom were up there with me this weekend. And Boots and Dr. K. just blew me away. If someone told me 30 years ago at school that I’d climb a mountain with Boots Bolton when I was in my 50s, I would have suggested shock therapy.

The only problem with this weekend is that I can’t imagine that my finish on Carrigain can possibly top it. We’ll see….

 

[una_dogger]

OMFG....bravo!
I loved it. Now, where can I get some L.A. Gear with that excellent grip?

I would say something cliche like "the mountain will wait" or "better luck next time" but I'd say you had a fantastic weekend.

 

[audrey]

We ought to be seeing this dramatized, maybe at the Banff Film Festival. Amantio, who should play your part?

 

[Paradox]

Stella!!!!!

 

[Mike P.]

ROFL, That beats the best, we came, we saw, we kicked butt trip report I've ever read.

BRAVO, BRAVO

 

[Jabberwalk]

You are a SAINT! You've got to love the 'Rellies' - cuz you are stuck with them. Carrigain: the next sunny day - alone. . . . The mountain will wait; it has the patience of centuries, and millenia.

 

[Amantio]

Thanks, Folks. This one was a hoot to write. Sometimes they just write themselves.

Now, where can I get some L.A. Gear with that excellent grip?

I would say something cliche like "the mountain will wait" or "better luck next time" but I'd say you had a fantastic weekend.

Thanks, Una Dogger. My Dad says the guy was on via Nationale up on the Quirnale Hill in Rome. Good luck
BTW, my weekend WAS fantastic. I bet yours was better. Best wishes to you and Michael J!

We ought to be seeing this dramatized, maybe at the Banff Film Festival. Amantio, who should play your part?

I say Brad Pitt. My wife says Danny DeVito. All I know is that Jerry Stiller has to play my father

 

[RoySwkr]

A friend who read this says it needs to be rewritten as an opera - maybe it was all the Italian names

 

[Amantio]

A friend who read this says it needs to be rewritten as an opera - maybe it was all the Italian names

Yes, with that great second act aria, "Va male la cinghe" .

 

[Kevin Judy and Emma]

Bravo!

Just make sure we're there for the encore!

KDT

 

[GlennS]

An excellent not finishing the 48 Trip Report. My wife and I enjoyed it throughly.

Are you going to take another crack at it this year?