Stats
Mountains: East Sleeper (elevation 3,840)
Date: May 24, 2008
Time: 9:45 am – 8:15 pm – about 10.5 hours
Weather: Sunny, temperature in the 70s, breeze
Miles: 10.4 (not including Ferncroft Road)
Steps: 31,205
Trails: Ferncroft Road to Blueberry Ledge Trail to Kate Sleeper Trail and back
“Ninety percent of the world's woe comes from people not knowing themselves, their abilities, their frailties, and even their real virtues. Most of us go almost all the way through life as complete strangers to ourselves.” --Sydney J. Harris
“Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.” – Amy Bloom
*****
I am lucky enough to have had the experience of really being seen.
Pat and I are driving up to Wonalancet to bag East Sleeper on our 4th attempt. Pat says to me, “You are all about shared joy. That’s who you are.”
I feel my resistance but my heart wins. Tears sting my eyes and I let them be. I flash on a few of my most treasured life moments.
2006: I am in the Grand Canyon with my husband on a 225-mile rafting trip down the Colorado River. We have just gone through Lava Falls, one of the largest and most-feared rapids on the Grand. “Right here everyone!” Kent, our paddle guide says. Holding onto the paddle’s T-grip, he lifts his paddle blade high above the center of the raft. We follow suit. Our paddles clap against each other’s overhead as we whoop and holler, celebrating our protected passage through Lava Falls and the sheer relief we feel at being right-side-up and alive.
2007: Pat and I arrive on the South rim of the Grand Canyon, completing a rim-to-rim hike, and we are thrilled. But the fun isn’t over. Being the first to arrive, we wait for the rest of our group. As soon as we see some of our members on the zigzag trails below, we start to yell and scream their names and encourage them on. Many arrive in tears, overwhelmed with joy and pride at reaching the goal. It was such a privilege to share that glorious moment with each of them.
It fits. I nod my agreement, wipe my tears and look out the window. It is the truth. I am about shared joy. I had not thought about myself in that way, but it moves in my heart right. I feel totally seen by Pat and I let it in. We have such an extraordinary friendship! It is rare when someone sees another person for who they really are. It’s an incredible gift when it happens -- someone recognizes your fear and extends a hand, a co-worker celebrates a talent and offers praise, a friend sees your beauty and reflects it back to you, a loved one looks inside your heart and shares what they see.
Pat asks me if I remember when I first felt seen. Yes! I was the corporate communications manager at NGM, and I went to a weeklong conference in Florida. As part of the sessions, I took a Myers-Briggs personality test. I can still remember sitting on the floor reading the synopsis of my personality as the tears dripped down my nose and onto the rug.
“ENFJ (Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging) -- For ENFJs the dominant quality in their lives in an active and intense caring about people and a strong desire to bring harmony into their relationships. ENFJs are openly expressive and empathic people who bring an aura of warmth to all that they do. Intuition orients their feeling to the new and to the possible, thus they often enjoy working to manifest a humanitarian vision, or helping others develop their potential. ENFJs naturally and conscientiously move into action to care for others, to organize the world around them, and to get things done.”
Having grown up believing I was gross, foul and disgusting, I was shocked by this description that immediately felt true. I had been seen.
Pat and I arrive at the trailhead and there are lots of other cars in the parking lot. A harbinger of what is to come. We head up the Blueberry Ledge Trail toward the summit of Whiteface, a 4,000-footer that happens to be between us and our goal of East Sleeper.
We immediately start seeing wildflowers and I am snapping pictures right and left. You know, when Pat and I first started hiking, I would walk right by the wildflowers, taking notice but not really caring. Now I want to look, I am in awe of each flower’s unique beauty.
Our conversation that began in the car continues on the trail.
“Why is it that we fight the very thing that we want most in life?” I ask this question with surprise and disbelief in my voice. I mean why would we do that?
This question comes on the heels of me making the connection that the thing I want most in life is to be seen, and it is one of the things I never had growing up. As a kid, I perfected the art of being invisible which kept me out of the direct line of anger and venom spewing all around me at home. I was often afraid to come home; never knowing what mood my mother would be in. I was really good at not being seen, and not being seen meant safety. It was my way of coping as a child and I continue to live that way, even though the reason no longer exists. I refuse to see myself and I rarely let myself out to be seen.
As I’m taking close-ups of the wildflowers, it occurs to me that I am really seeing them for the first time. But they are showing up to be seen. They are not hiding. They are right next to the hiking trail, smiling their beautiful petals at us. Huh… to be seen, I have to want to be seen. I have to own my beauty and then share it with the world. Like the wildflowers.
Just before the ledges our connected conversation ends as we start running into lots of people heading for the summit. We meet a young man and his German Shepard. I ask him if I can pat his dog and he says, “Sure.” As I stroke Rocky’s back I notice that he is standing very still and doesn’t seem happy to have me there; he isn’t wagging his tail. I should have registered what the dog is showing me, but I don’t. I lean down to nuzzle him and he goes for my nose. Wow! He scares me. I learn an important lesson.
We get to the ledges on Whiteface and up we go. Whiteface was our first 4,000-footer and I was scared to death on the ledges two years ago. There are a lot of places where it is hard to find good footing and handholds, especially for short people. But today I know what I am in for. I can feel the fear come back, but I hold my ground, and, with Pat’s help, get myself up and over without a lot of trauma.
We arrive on the top at 1:15 and have lunch while a bunch of teenage boys are yelling and running around the summit. The peace of the summit eludes us.
continued
Mountains: East Sleeper (elevation 3,840)
Date: May 24, 2008
Time: 9:45 am – 8:15 pm – about 10.5 hours
Weather: Sunny, temperature in the 70s, breeze
Miles: 10.4 (not including Ferncroft Road)
Steps: 31,205
Trails: Ferncroft Road to Blueberry Ledge Trail to Kate Sleeper Trail and back
“Ninety percent of the world's woe comes from people not knowing themselves, their abilities, their frailties, and even their real virtues. Most of us go almost all the way through life as complete strangers to ourselves.” --Sydney J. Harris
“Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.” – Amy Bloom
*****
I am lucky enough to have had the experience of really being seen.
Pat and I are driving up to Wonalancet to bag East Sleeper on our 4th attempt. Pat says to me, “You are all about shared joy. That’s who you are.”
I feel my resistance but my heart wins. Tears sting my eyes and I let them be. I flash on a few of my most treasured life moments.
2006: I am in the Grand Canyon with my husband on a 225-mile rafting trip down the Colorado River. We have just gone through Lava Falls, one of the largest and most-feared rapids on the Grand. “Right here everyone!” Kent, our paddle guide says. Holding onto the paddle’s T-grip, he lifts his paddle blade high above the center of the raft. We follow suit. Our paddles clap against each other’s overhead as we whoop and holler, celebrating our protected passage through Lava Falls and the sheer relief we feel at being right-side-up and alive.
2007: Pat and I arrive on the South rim of the Grand Canyon, completing a rim-to-rim hike, and we are thrilled. But the fun isn’t over. Being the first to arrive, we wait for the rest of our group. As soon as we see some of our members on the zigzag trails below, we start to yell and scream their names and encourage them on. Many arrive in tears, overwhelmed with joy and pride at reaching the goal. It was such a privilege to share that glorious moment with each of them.
It fits. I nod my agreement, wipe my tears and look out the window. It is the truth. I am about shared joy. I had not thought about myself in that way, but it moves in my heart right. I feel totally seen by Pat and I let it in. We have such an extraordinary friendship! It is rare when someone sees another person for who they really are. It’s an incredible gift when it happens -- someone recognizes your fear and extends a hand, a co-worker celebrates a talent and offers praise, a friend sees your beauty and reflects it back to you, a loved one looks inside your heart and shares what they see.
Pat asks me if I remember when I first felt seen. Yes! I was the corporate communications manager at NGM, and I went to a weeklong conference in Florida. As part of the sessions, I took a Myers-Briggs personality test. I can still remember sitting on the floor reading the synopsis of my personality as the tears dripped down my nose and onto the rug.
“ENFJ (Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging) -- For ENFJs the dominant quality in their lives in an active and intense caring about people and a strong desire to bring harmony into their relationships. ENFJs are openly expressive and empathic people who bring an aura of warmth to all that they do. Intuition orients their feeling to the new and to the possible, thus they often enjoy working to manifest a humanitarian vision, or helping others develop their potential. ENFJs naturally and conscientiously move into action to care for others, to organize the world around them, and to get things done.”
Having grown up believing I was gross, foul and disgusting, I was shocked by this description that immediately felt true. I had been seen.
Pat and I arrive at the trailhead and there are lots of other cars in the parking lot. A harbinger of what is to come. We head up the Blueberry Ledge Trail toward the summit of Whiteface, a 4,000-footer that happens to be between us and our goal of East Sleeper.
We immediately start seeing wildflowers and I am snapping pictures right and left. You know, when Pat and I first started hiking, I would walk right by the wildflowers, taking notice but not really caring. Now I want to look, I am in awe of each flower’s unique beauty.
Our conversation that began in the car continues on the trail.
“Why is it that we fight the very thing that we want most in life?” I ask this question with surprise and disbelief in my voice. I mean why would we do that?
This question comes on the heels of me making the connection that the thing I want most in life is to be seen, and it is one of the things I never had growing up. As a kid, I perfected the art of being invisible which kept me out of the direct line of anger and venom spewing all around me at home. I was often afraid to come home; never knowing what mood my mother would be in. I was really good at not being seen, and not being seen meant safety. It was my way of coping as a child and I continue to live that way, even though the reason no longer exists. I refuse to see myself and I rarely let myself out to be seen.
As I’m taking close-ups of the wildflowers, it occurs to me that I am really seeing them for the first time. But they are showing up to be seen. They are not hiding. They are right next to the hiking trail, smiling their beautiful petals at us. Huh… to be seen, I have to want to be seen. I have to own my beauty and then share it with the world. Like the wildflowers.
Just before the ledges our connected conversation ends as we start running into lots of people heading for the summit. We meet a young man and his German Shepard. I ask him if I can pat his dog and he says, “Sure.” As I stroke Rocky’s back I notice that he is standing very still and doesn’t seem happy to have me there; he isn’t wagging his tail. I should have registered what the dog is showing me, but I don’t. I lean down to nuzzle him and he goes for my nose. Wow! He scares me. I learn an important lesson.
We get to the ledges on Whiteface and up we go. Whiteface was our first 4,000-footer and I was scared to death on the ledges two years ago. There are a lot of places where it is hard to find good footing and handholds, especially for short people. But today I know what I am in for. I can feel the fear come back, but I hold my ground, and, with Pat’s help, get myself up and over without a lot of trauma.
We arrive on the top at 1:15 and have lunch while a bunch of teenage boys are yelling and running around the summit. The peace of the summit eludes us.
continued
Hope they did not mislead you 
