How do you budget "hiking time"?

[bikehikeskifish]

...we often think and believe that we can "change" the person we are involved with.
It's the old "once we get married, everything will be different", or when we have the baby, he/she will certainly see the light".
Simply said, "not gonna happen!"

This is the most important piece of advice here. I married my wife (among other reasons) because she was comfortable with who she was, I was comfortable with who I was, and we were both comfortable with who the other one was. I ended relationships earlier in my life because "she" was not comfortable in both these ways.

Have we changed? Of course. 10 years, 2 kids and a house and I defy anyone not to. I will warn you that the greatest change is not from girlfriend to wife, but from wife to mother. You have to accept that for each kid she has, you get pushed down the ladder another rung

Some time ago there was a thread (here it is: http://www.vftt.org/forums/showthread.php?t=15663) about how hikers look at non hikers. It was more of a general "if you have to ask, you won't understand" kind of thread. My wife doesn't get the cycling or the hiking or the fishing (she does get the skiing), but she accepts it and understands that I don't do very much casually. It's just who I am.

HTH,
Dr. Phil

 

[--M.]

I've struggled with this for years. My wife backpacked with me early in our relationship, but over the years her interest waned and mine hasn't. We've been married for 27 years, and we compromise. She likes to go to the casino, I don't, so I'll send her off with her girlfriends for the weekend and sneak up to the Adirondacks. Or, I'll spend a week at the beach with her (which I'm not particularly interested in), with the understanding that I'm going to get a couple of weekends of hiking out of the deal.
It's certainly not going to get any easier for you. Marriage complicates matters, but if you have children it gets really tough - the commitments on weekends grow exponentially with kids. Mine are both grown now and I'm getting out more now than I have in years!

Thirteen for me.

Hikingfish, you've gotten some real good stuff here. I see Oldsmores' post to look like the capstone or crux of the discussion: Commitment to family will erode "free" time to its minimum, when it will bump up against mandated hiking (the antidepressant kind). But as the kids age through their activities, your own time will reappear, and hopefully there's overlap with your spouse's interests!

Now if she won't tolerate it at all, well, that's why we date before we sign on the line which is dotted!

 

[shadowcat]

Hiking Time

you say your lady friend works more and often on weekends? if you were able to know which in advance then there should be no problem with you doing some hiking, etc on your own or w/ friends while she's working. The day/night before just be sure to show some consideration and help w/ chores etc so while you are gone she's not stuck doing more after working all day. I luv to hike but have a 2nd job and sometimes have to work on a weekend. (usually not both days) My boyfriend is more then welcome to take off do his own thing when I can't join him. We just try to work together (sometimes he needs a little nudge) to see that whatever needs to be done is done before he takes off and i have to work. Being in a relationship means compromise. If she doesn't like to hike at all then you will def have to sacrifice some of that time to spend with her. that's just a fact. if she does like to hike then spend the time she has available to do so together. unfortunately most of us have to work for a living and don't have the luxury of hiking,etc anytime we want. we have to buget our fun activities with work, family and responsibilities. and let's face it - we never get as much fun time as we'd like! such is the life of a working stiff.

 

[smitty77]

Because, as an old guy at the hardware store told me today "If Mama ain't happy, then nobody's happy!". If the GF can't tolerate your hiking, then you have some difficult decisions to make.

This is sound advice. I had a plant manager mutter this phrase more times than I can count. If she resents every moment you're on the trail, then there will be side effects at home. And it works the other way. If you're a grumpy old coot because you can't hike as much as you need to, then you'll be making her miserable. Compromise is key, and that requires being a big boy and taking one for the team every now and then. Try to combine the activity, or take her somewhere so she can get a taste of what drives you inside. I brought my wife up the Mt. Washington auto road one year because she had never been. I didn't automatically convert her into a hiker, but she could actually see why I was so attracted to the mountains. I got her up there again 3 years later via the auto road to do a tour of the Alpine Garden. The wife is quite the green thumb, and I thought she'd enjoy looking at some naturally occuring species that few people get to see. She loved it, and I got another day in the mountains.

I have two kids (1 and 5), a 65-hour/week job, a house, pets, etc. I can't justifiably hike all day every Saturday (never mind go off for the whole weekend) when my wife has two kids hanging off of her 16 hours every day. It's not fair to her or the kids who get to see me about 3 hours each night during the week. So I make do with what I have available for time. I sneak out of the house at 6am on Saturday with the dog, speed hike a few local trails for about 5 miles, arrive home with a breakfast treat for the kids between 9 and 10am when they're just getting out of their PJs. Then I take a shower and we load up the car and head off to visit grammy and take her food shopping. It's a long day, and I wish it was spent in the Whites, but my family comes first and the kids won't be young forever. I do occasionally get the chance for a full day out with friends in the hills, and I usually take the opportunity to hike with my brother who I don't get to see as often as I'd like. These trips are scheduled at least a month in advance.

As someone else mentioned, we have no idea what your future plans are regarding family and career, but if you don't see yourself making these kinds of sacrifices 3, 4, 7, or 10 years from now, then you'll have a lot more to discuss with your significant other than just "How many days can I hike and keep you happy." And if you have kids, their schedule trumps yours 90% of the time. At least in my house anyway.

Smitty

 

[bikehikeskifish]

if you have kids, their schedule trumps yours 90% of the time. At least in my house anyway.

Smitty

90%?!? You lucky devil!

 

[KayakDan]

Some great insight in all the advice here. In the end it is your call,and it's a difficult one,no matter what way you go.
From my own experience,having common interest is a major part of a good relationship. If you play together,it's easy to be best friends,and that's really what it's all about in the end.
My wife and I share almost identical interests,backpacking,kayaking,XC,sailing- much as TCD noted,but my level and hers aren't always matched. So we work it out-together. I may paddle a stretch of wild water that she doesn't have the confidence to try. I play for a while ,then we paddle on. So,while we may not be identical in our activities,we're pretty close. This makes a huge impact on our relationship,as I never feel like I'm compromising,or giving up something important. I also never feel guilty for taking the time to enjoy the activities I like.
I would like to recommend a book that we found really interesting. It addresses a lot of what this thread is about. It deals with the top 5 needs of a man vs the top 5 needs of a woman in a relationship.The list might surprise you.His Needs,Her Needs

 

[sapblatt]

I would like to recommend a book that we found really interesting. It addresses a lot of what this thread is about. It deals with the top 5 needs of a man vs the top 5 needs of a woman in a relationship.The list might surprise you.His Needs,Her Needs

I would imagine half of that book makes a lot of sense!

 

[Jay H]

I find it hard to budget the hiking time.... between kayaking and cycling, it's really tough! But then I try to get my cycling fix by biking to work and after-work rides and in the summers, sometimes I'll go kayaking rather than hiking in the swealtering heat. Hiking in winter is a lot more fun for me anyway...



Jay

 

[KayakDan]

I would imagine half of that book makes a lot of sense!

We're gonna have to assume your S.O doesn't read this site!

 

[hikingfish]

Hi All,
I had written a really long reply, but I somehow hit ctrl-w (which closes the IE window) and lost my reply. I'll rewrite it, but it might be slightly brief.

First of all, thanks for all the replies. Great thread indeed. I also fell I should clarify a couple of things about the situation.

My girlfriend loves nature: Her father has a big piece of land where she grew up on. Each year, we go and help his father plant trees on it to repopulate the forest. She also spent an entire summer sleeping in a tent on her father's land.

In the last couple of years, we went on a 3 day snowshoeing trip in the Monts Valins, which she loves and a 5 day snowshoeing trip in the Chic-Chocs mountains: which she hated (well, which she didn't like as much as our other trip: It was very demanding). We've been camping on a mountain top in Quebec...it was raining in Jan, but we still went.We woke up to -25C weather. Everything was frozen solid We had a great time

We do some long trips too: She insisted that we go back to La Verendrye park for a 3 day kayak/camping trip in September. Our entire vacation is spent in an active form: 2 days of kayaking (sleeping on an island on Lac St-Jean), 4 days biking around Lac St-Jean and 3 days of backpacking along the Saguenay.

She's been to Peru to do some crazy treks and climb to the summit of a 5000-something meter high mountain.

When I suggested we do the great range traverse (Adk) in 1 day, it surprisingly took little convincing to get her to give it a try.

She does complain that I'm too mountain oriented...she always says that everything I do should have a mountain in it...and she's kind of right: I don't know why, but I love going up a mountain. I love the sense of accomplishment I get when I reach the summit.

I'm not sure if others have that feeling too, but I also like longer trips. It's like I have my own little expedition. I LOVE to have that feeling. Even if it involves a night or two. I have some personal objectives I'd like to obtain in the near future too, like try to traverse the entire Gaspesie Parc (a good two week ordeal) by skiing from one end to the other end in winter, by winter camping. That's why I want to do a lot of skiing and winter camping this year. As mentioned previously, we also have to practice our winter camping skills if we're going to go to that Nepal trek (which was her idea by the way...I had suggested going to Baffin Island, but it was too "cold" for her hehe). However, I doubt my girlfriend's willing to do that much of it: Maybe 3-4 times, mostly after the official winter is over

I guess I do certain sports to push myself. I guess she doesn't like to always be pushing herself to the same level that I push myself.

I could go for a quick hike up a ski slope after work, since we're pretty close by to 2 ski resorts. Not quite a real hike, but it's still a hike nonetheless.

Fish

 

[weatherman]

All right, two simple words of advice: KEEP HER. But do talk about it with her too. Looks like there's plenty of wiggle room here.

Weatherman

 

[miehoff]

Hike alone

It is good for you.

 

[skiguy]

Dude you've got no worries...keep on hiking!

 

[Artex]

Point out your muscular legs to her and say "Hey baby, you can thank hiking for these big bad engines." Then flex and grunt like a manly man. Problem solved.

 

[Umsaskis]

When I first brought my husband-to-be to the White Mountains, I overdid it and took him up the Great Gully Trail in the fog. He got sick from the exertion and we had to make an emergency stopover at Madison hut. I remember bursting into tears on the Star Lake trail because I was planning to marry him, yet it did not seem that we could share hiking. Since my parents did everything together, I thought this was the only kind of marriage to have and thus, it would mean I would have to give up hiking. We've been married for 4 years and I have since completed my winter White Mt. 4Ks and all-season 115. Obviously he doesn't come with me all the time, but he doesn't stop me from going either. He has done a fair number of shorter 4Ks with me, including a couple of winter peaks, and he has learned to enjoy it, just not as much as I do. The key is mixing our time up to do things we both like and when we do hike, doing something we can both enjoy. Now that we have a 4-month-old daughter, my hiking has considerably lessened, but I've done 2 shorter hikes with her in the carrier and this summer we can hopefully do some family hikes. I could be disappointed that my daughter slows me down, but I'm just thrilled that I can still get out there and show her the mountains. I used to worry about these things, but they have all worked out, and my husband is caring enough to make sure I get out to hike as often as I need to. I didn't marry him because he liked to hike; I married him because his overall character is such that he makes sure my hiking needs are met even if he doesn't always like it himself. If that is the kind of girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse you have, then well done!