Family 1st, hiking 2nd, lesson learned

[coldfeet]

This is just a comment I messed up big time, missed my niece's wedding in Texas because i wanted to winter camp with the scouts this weekend. My wife and my 2 little ones went without me. I felt real guilty today. This hiking/camping thing is interfering with family and work. I think i have to throw away the "list" and relax, (maybe after sunday). I have never been so addicted to something like this in my life, it's not "fun"..sorry for this post. It took me 1/2 hour to type and delete 1/2 of this. just wanted to tell someone who might be going through the same thing. I know how u feel, it ain't good.

 

[Barbarossa]

I didn't read anything like "I'm camping in my tent because my wife threw me out", so...

Good luck to you.

 

[imarchant]

I know excatly what you're going through. I don't know how old your children are, but you can get them into hiking too when they are old enough. I have to keep reminding myself. The mountains will still be there after the kids are grown. This is a passion that can last a lifetime, there's a lot of time left to pursue your dreams.

 

[Puck]

yes the mountains will always be there. (with a few exceptions like Mt St Helen)
It is a matter of balance. you need to go throught this to find the extremes so you will find the center.
Good luck.
I clean the bathrooms and vacuum the house on a thursday so I can leave on a friday for the weekend with a clean conscience.

 

[Mark]

You Have Your Priorities Correct

Placing your family first and your hobby second is the right thing to do. Get away to hike when you can, giving your wife and kids equal time off on weekends. The trick is to keep everything in balance.

You might be able to entice your kids to join you on hikes, but don't force them to take up the activity. That will only drive them away. My own children are almost 16 and 12. Both have joined my on 4K summits, but it's obvious that, at this point in their lives, they are not into hiking like I am. That's OK, when I was their age, I didn't want to hike either. I'll keep inviting them to go and perhaps some day, they want to start hiking again.

Don't throw away any of your lists. There is no time limit to complete them. At my current rate, I won't be getting any patches for many years. If you want to read a good account of a man and his goal of the ADK 46rs, pick up a copy of Exploring the 46 Adirondack High Peaks by James Burnside. He recounts how he climbed his first summit in 1967 with his son who was 10 years old at the time. He completed the list 14 years later. What's the rush.

Don't give up your hobby, but enjoy it on moderation.

 

[Rick]

Coldfeet,
I think the key is to look at this from a long term perspective, and involve as many family members as possible, whenever possible, but also understand it is healthy to get time away to continue your own pursuits.

You might need to ratchet down your pursuits.

From a personal experience, I did every possible thing I wanted to after I got out of the army in '81 until my mid-30's when I met my wife. I went everywhere and made a great time of it all. Marriage was the last thing on my mind. Well, I got married in '98 and my wife and I still did a lot of less ambitious trips, our son came along in 2000 and things came to a grinding halt. So much so, that after the first year, in a funk of depression, I started going through my gear closet, actually THINKING of selling some of my gear and kayak because I no longer had the time to do stuff.

My wife brought sense back into me and said "why don't we make family vacations more about adventures rather than going to visit family - Save the 3-day weekend for visiting family and everything else for new adventures. We can camp out and I can go to historic places for a day at a time while you go explore nearby trails."

This has since worked very well since. We always make sure we do some things together, but there are days where I take the little one out for our adventures (like a 1-hour snowshoe or 2-hour hike) and she has the day off to do whatever she wants. Other days we all do something outdoors and on another we try to do something cultural.
The best part about it is that I don't feel guilty!!

NOTE: Throw all this out the window if you wife refuses to camp out in a tent - I have no solution to that problem!!!!!!
Good Luck
Rick

 

[mavs00]

Coldfeet,

It's painfully obvious you've never been addicted to ANYTHING before. Well, I'm here to help. Try these simple steps.

• Deflection - try turning the tables on loved ones when justifiying said activity. Instead of "honey, I'd rather go hiking then to your niece's wedding", try "Honey, you know, I feel horrible that I've really taken up so much of your time these past -- years and that you've really 'not connected' with your family in SOOOOO long, Maybe you and the kids should go to Texas and I'll stay here so as not serve as a distraction for you
• Lying - This is HUGE. The more beleivable the better. Things like. "ummmm, when your gone, if you try to call, I might be out. I'll wanna get to Lowe's and check out remodling stuff for that bathroom you've been bugging me about
• Denial Another biggie! the more incredulous you sound the better. "WHAT, you think I want to go hiking, are you nuts, have you seen the forecast.......... SNOW and high's in the low teens, who would be dumb enough to wanna go out in stuff like that. BRRRRRRRRRRR"
• Guilt? - There is NO ROOM for guilt in life. Just do what millions of us do every week and have done for mileniums. The great absolution (yes, I'm talking about confession). A few hail mary's and "our fathers" will work wonders for the soul.

Seriously, like everyone said, with any passion, there must be moderation. I am fortunate that my family shares my passion, but that doesn't mean we don't struggle with this very thing on occasion. Our hiking passions tend to shift. I love bushwhacks, my wife loves firetowers and 46er redo's, while the kids......well they don't count (they'll do anything).

It's about balance. Sometimes I get to do the things I want, sometimes I must give in and do something else for the "greater good". Sounds like your priorities are in order from your initial post. Don't sweat it. Communication is key, sit down with the Mrs. and explain your love and the fact that you wish to find balance and you'll likely find an acceptable solution that will not cause pain (to either of you). Good luck.

(For those without a sense of humor, Chill out, I was just kidding in the first part of the post )

 

[Tramper Al]

Coldfeet,

I really appreciate your post, and it might be one of the more important 'trip reports' we've seen here recently.

It's all about balance, obviously. I have been known to get fairly obsessive about such things. I have cut back on my time away from family in recent months, however, largely because of the arrival of my son.

I feel driven to 'complete' my outdoor goals, like paddling the whole NFCT through New England. Realistically, it's going to take several years to do it because I have other obligations. Somehow, I actually find it comforting that I'll be chipping away at my goals for a long time yet.

And maybe, if I share it with him all along the way, my little boy will one day be setting his own outdoor goals.

 

[sli74]

Boy, for a change I am GLAD I am single. Maybe the marriage thing is over-rated and I should just stick to being single

Well, I don't have a spouse to worry about but my temporary living situation (with my parents) is also causing similar problems and frustrations and anxiety on both ends (mine and theirs) . . .

Here are some of our conversations from yesterday and this morning:

With my Dad last night

Me: Dad I will be in NH and ME this weekend, just FYI
Dad: When are you going to stop all this foolishness and live real life? What kind of man wants to be with a woman who is such a . . . such a gypsy . . . such a NOMAD . . . what about the important things in life you are missing as you go away hiking every weekend.
Me: DAD, Hiking is the important thing in my life . . . I am HAPPY with my life, and the kind of man I need is one as obsessed as I am with hiking.
Dad (shaking his head sadly): Where did we go wrong?
Me (giving him a BIG hug, he hates hugs ): I LOVE you Dad !!!


As my Mom is heading out the door this morning

Me: Love you Mom, I will see you Sunday night
Mom: WHAT DO YOU MEAN you will see me Sunday? You are NOT going away AGAIN are you?
Me: Yup, I am going skiing and hiking but I will see you Sunday night.
Mom (in strained frustration): WHEN are you gonna clean your room, it looks like a tornado hit it
Me: Oh, well . . . just close the door . . . why are you stressing? The mess is limited to my room and the basement so don't worry I plan to be home 2 weekends from now so I will clean then.
Mom (shakes her head and mumbles): I don't know how you are EVER going to find a man at this rate . . .
Me: Love you Mom, see you Sunday

The joys of being single and Indian and female and 30 !!!!


Make time for all you love (hiking, family and friends) . . . just sleep later

sli74

 

[jjmcgo]

Right place, right time

" I don't know how you are EVER going to find a man at this rate"

Just tell your Mom you're looking in exactly the right place for the kind of man you want to find.

 

[weatherman]

Another vote for balance

Wow. Great, great thread. I find that balance means different things to different people, the key is to come to agreement with your loved ones on what it does mean. I really like Rick's solution. Not much more to add.
Chris

 

[David Metsky]

Well since there are probably a lot more single men out hiking than single women, you're in a pretty good position. As they say in Alaska "The odds are good, but the goods are odd".

-dave-

 

[Jay H]

Anybody to stumble upon my basement can determine that I am quite single. In an unrelated incident, I think the guy who installed my satellite system noted the 5 quite expensive bikes hanging on my basement wall, turned the TV to OLN, and said that I must be getting the satellite to watch the Tour de France on the dish, right?

Like Seema, I live with my parents, but it's a little different. My parents have already been trained that I love the outdoors and that I can never really settle down. Plus, my mom needs care due to Alzheimers and some undiagnsed brain disorders so it is good that I am around so my father has some time off for himself. Plus, I like my location. It's not certainly cheap to live in northern NJ and hold an engineering job and be able to bike to work through the woods. I know that any job that I take, one of the prerequisites would be to be able to bike to work and also where I live too.

Jay

Jay

 

[Panama Jack]

I do penance BEFORE i leave

My hiking partner knows that I have to do penance before I leave for the weekend. LOTS of penance.

Its a tough balancing act, but as I always tell my wife, if I don't go hiking once a month then I'll have to go to therapy once a week.

Hiking (or whatever floats your boat) is part of taking care of your "physical plant" that of course being you. It is not selfish to indulge yourself for the betterment and furtherment of yourself.

Like I also tell my wife, hey! I dont golf, dont have boys noght out every week, am an involved parent and good provider. CUT ME SOME SLACK!

 

[Warren]

Hmmmmmm....

.... I've been getting the feedback that I'm not going out *enough*..... and I better start getting with the program.....

 

[MEB]

Balance.......I've know my husband for about 15 years now and this is still something that we struggle with once in a while. Everything seems to be going along all fine and dandy and then out of no where it goes askew (mostly my doing...but don't tell him) Over the years I've learned that it is important for each of us to pursue those hobbies we love but at the same time not making the other feel bad about what they choose to do with their time. At the same time its also important to make the time to do things with the family. There are some things you just have to do when it comes to family. I've ducked out of a few things in the past so I could do what I wanted, but I could not enjoy myself......My final thoughts...finding balance is a continual work in progress.

 

[TJH]

Good stuff on this thread.

Coldfeet, I feel your pain. A girl I was engaged to for four years ended up leaving me because of my absolute addiction to surfing. It was just as well because she was an "indoor" kind of girl. However, I grew up a lot and realized how a relationship should be. Not all about me.

Currently, my wife is supportive of all my activities, even though I still hear it once in a while. ( Usually when I want some new gear ). Her being supportive means I get to hike a few times a year, surf maybe once a week or so in the spring, summer, and fall, and go snowboarding a couple of times in the winter. The only one my wife enjoys is hiking. I'm not talking peak bagging or anything, just easy hikes in the whites. Arethusa's falls or something like that. She's a teacher like you, so her having the summers off is nice.

I have two little ones also, 1 and 3. My three year old son loves being in the woods, he always says "I wanna go walkin in the woods." So I'm like oh yeah, I'll be hiking all the time when he's older. So thats what I look forward to. My wife says that she would like to get more into hiking as this kids get older too, so the future looks good. If your kids like the ocean, I know Long Island gets good waves. It could hold you over until your next hike.

So always remember Coldfeet, you're not the only junky out there that can't get his fix.

As for you Sli74, It's very tough to not be jealous of you and your situation, being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

But thats what you should be doing since you're single, making yourself happy first, everything else will fall into place.

So just remember that there are people like Coldfeet and me out there that are reading your Baxter trip report green with envy, trying to imagine myself on skis pulling a sled, all the while having my one year old daughter screaming in my ear because she wants her bottle and needs her diaper changed. Ahhhh, but its all good. TJH

 

[DeadFred]

I think I'm still single and without my own family right now BECAUSE of my hiking addiction. After work and hiking and gear shopping, I have no time for family. Major bummer, but at least I don't have those kind of problems many have discussed here.

On the other hand, I haven't visited my parents in their beatiful sunny Florida home in 2 years because..."Mom and Dad, Florida is so DAMN FLAT, that I couldn't stand it not being nearer to the mountains on vacation." Needless to say, Mom and Dad are getting a little angry at my excuses. "If you can find time to visit and climb mountains all over the country then you should be able to find time to visit your mother and father." Hmmm, they're probably right!

 

[Rick]

Seema -

I am a huge Seinfeld fan - as I read your parents comments, I pictured them in the voices and characteristics of Frank and Estelle Constanza -
From that perspective - aren't you really, REALLY glad you are getting away every weekend?
"Serenity now ....Insanity later..."
Lloyd Braun

 

[Doc McPeak]

The joys of being single and Indian and female and 30 !!!!
sli74

Seema,
Next time you have one of those conversations with the parents you can adopt one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies .. and say:

"But Mom, anyone can cook Aloo Gobi, but who can whack a peak like SherpaKroto!"